Bill is a bunny

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Blue Mickey

If you want to talk about my sister and me you have to mention my brother. He was about seven years older than us and seemed like the biggest kid in the world. Gigantic in everything he did for us and said to us. There aren't too many memories left now, but the ones that are there resonate through my brain like fading chimes from a church bell.

We would all wrestle on the floor of our old house after dinner. He was much bigger than us but we never got hurt. He even let us win. Sometimes. Mostly I ended up at the bottom of a dogpile, screaming, "Momma. they're turning me into a sandwhich!"

We would take baths together, three in the tub. The bathroom in the old house was a warm pink that matched the water in the tub. Our brother told the most amazing stories about the world around us. Details we never could see from our vantage points behind our mother's skirt. We were stunned by the freedom he commanded on our trips with her to the grocery store. It seemed like he cold go anwhere and do anything. Seeing him on his bike on the weekends leaving the carport was like watching a ship leaving port. I always wished I could go with him on his travels around the neighbor. What did he do out there? What did he see? And why wasn't he scared of that great big world he moved through with such ease?

Once during one of those end of the day baths he produced two plastic balls from his pants laying on the tiles next to the tub. He handed one to my sister and one to me. After fumbling with the slipper things for a minute trying to open them he took the domes back and popped off the bottoms. Inside one was a pink, rubber Minnie Mouse which he gave to my sister. Inside the other was a blue rubber Mickey Mouse he placed in my hands. It wasn't our birthdays. It wasn't Christmas. He just felt like getting us soemthing. I couldn't have loved him more.

He was killed in 1983. He was on his bike, riding back to tell our mother he was going to the levee with some friends. He didn't want her to worry. A truck backed out of a driveway and knocked him off the bike and onto his head. They kept him aive in the hospital for a couple of days then pulled the plug. I don't know what happened to the guy driving the truck. I used to want to know but now I don't. I used to want revenge or some kind of confrontation with the man who killed my brother. My feelings changed about that. But I still miss him very much.

In the years following our brother's death, my sister and I tried to understand why he was taken away from us without much success. It seemed so meaningless, so pointless to have him removed from our lives that way. We both developed an interest i the supernatural. We read about the lives of the saints and the connection between this world and the world after this one. Maybe we could see him again before we died. I even believed I did see him occasionally in my bedroom . He would never say anything, no matter how many questions I asked. My brother would just smile.

I was eventually given his old room to sleep in but had a lot of difficulty doing that. My sister's room across the hall had a view of a baseball field and I would often join her there to watch the games rather than sleep in his old bed. I had nightmares that there were large crawfish at the foot of the bed where the covers were tucked in that would drag me down and eat me. I slept for years in a little ball across the pillows. I recently found a place mat in my parents' kitchen with a close up photograph of a crawfish in clover that probably gave me the crazy idea. At least part of it.

My world view became very fearful while my sister seemed to become more daring. She learned to ride her bike at six and embraced her newfound independence. She loved summer camp and sports. She slept over with friends and became very outgoing. I regressed into a world of television and homesickness at the very thought of leaving my mother. Camp was a nightmare for me, filled with tears and longing for the security of home. To look at my sister you would think she never wanted to leave.

As different as we were, my sister and I grew very close. She took over our brother's role as protector and confidant. She comforted me when my parents took vacations and soothed my nightmares. Whenever my father would come upstairs after hearing me crying out in the middle of the night he would always ay the same thing. "All the doors and windows are locked. Sugar (our golden retriever) is outside. (Your sister) is down the hall. Nothing can hurt you." Knowing that she was down the hall was always the most comforting thing and was always saved for last.

In our new house my sister and I shared the upstairs. There was an intercom installed by the previous owner that became a symbol of our parents omniscent prescence. There voices would boom over the speakers in the ceiling telling us to be quiet and get to bed. We rallied together to repeal bedtime. Sneaking back and forth to each others rooms was a daring adventure, every creak in the floorboards a potential revelation of our disobedience. We began to pretend we were in hiding like Anne Frank and her family in the attic. We shared secret knowledge from the school yard. We confessed the inner workings of our contemporaries. We found each other fascinatingly alien yet somehow the same.

We fought often. My sister was twice my size for most of our childhood and her natural predispoisiton to sports gave her the advantage. She was more of a biter and a scratcher, thank God. Frequent bruises would have been to revealing. The thick red lines on my arms could be attirbuted to cats and the dog. I think our battles came from my sister's frustration with our parents. She fought with them often, making me quite terrified. I was also in awe of her bravery. Refusal to eat aspargus seemed unthinkable to me, but she would sit defiantly at her place at the table, staring at her plate for an hour rather than give in. She was a freedom fighter in our cause. She was a hero.

One Christmas our parents gave us a small, plastic Chistmas tree to put upstairs and decorate. We did so with gusto, hanging all manner of things upon its wire branches. We didn't have much money for presents to put under our tree. There really wasn't any need, since our parents would be littering the floor around the real tree downstairs with gifts. But we wanted something for each other. After some consultation we decided to wrap our rubber Mickey and Minnie up and give them to each other again. And we did just that. I still have that blue mouse, but I don't just think of my brother when I look at it anymore.


  • At 5:46 AM, Anonymous nomadammit said…

    That choked me up. It was very sweet. Thank you.

  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger Chris said…

    Bill, I know this is off-topic, but I watched "Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia" last night and I thought it sucked. I was kind of rooting for Kris Kristofferson to chop Warren Oates' head off.

    I know you're gonna hate me now. Please be my friend even though I did not like this movie...which is the first Peckinpah film I have given the big thumbs down to.

    You should join netflix so I can leech off of what you are watching...

  • At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Aren't large crawfish called LOBSTER?


  • At 4:00 PM, Anonymous kaycee said…

    hello sir wiliam... i am back from the outer reaches of abiquiu... you asked me to come and read this and when i did, i was reminded of when you told me about your brother, for the first time. i was 16 and sunburnt and kept scratching the skin off my shoulders instead of smoking a cigaratte. and it is one of the first times i remember loving you for telling me something important... the first of many times.

    one of the others was watching you mow your parents lawn in nothing but jeans, but thats a different story.

  • At 6:34 AM, Blogger Noma said…

    Are you ever going to post again?

  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger saratoga said…

    he's lost in the blogosphere...

  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Chris said…

    That is so funny. I also fell in love with Bill while watching him mow in nothing but his jeans. Let's face it, he may keep an enthralling journal, but the man's number one asset is his wang.

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  • At 9:11 AM, Anonymous kaycee said…

    ok, bill, i am not coming back here to check if you have posted again. i fyou ever get around to it, you shall have to call me and let me know. the suspense is too much for my weak constitution.

  • At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Reve said…

    Hey buddy~

    Gene really needs an essay from "The Adding Machine". Can I get back my copy I loaned you? When I drop it off to him, I'll be sure to retrieve your "Deadwood" regardless of whether he's finished the series; he can rent those a disc at a time from Blockbuster if he wants. Hell, it's not as though they're out of print or anything.


  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nicely written - too bad the goobers messed it up with nonsensical comments in the blog.

  • At 4:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Goobers," Bill? "Goobers"?

    C'mon, man -- nobody but you, Bill, has used that word since, like, third grade, so it's pretty fucking clear where *that* precious little piece of "anonymous" praise came from.

    Are you ever going to write here again, or can we all just safely assume that a piece each on your mother and sister completes the series on "The Women in Your Life"?

  • At 11:41 PM, Anonymous Rory L. Aronsky said…

    Googled your name after you left those complimentary words on my tribute to Paul Benedict on Film Threat and found your blog. Read a few entries, and I'm hooked. It's bookmarked and I'll be here often.

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