Bill is a bunny

Friday, March 31, 2006

The project for next week.

So, it's like this: I'll be posting here all of next week about the women in my life. My mother, my sister, friends and (here's the juicy part) my ex-girlfriends. I hate to pull the leash on y'all so soon after a pitch like that, but don't expect me to tell tales out of class about what we got up to in the bedroom or how they all fucked me over so bad that I became the misanthropic shithead you know today. If anything this is supposed to be a reevaluation of what I have and had in the opposite sex. So, there will be more soul bearing than ass bearing. Hopefully, this will be a binge and purge kinda thing, but without the messy vomit all over the bathroom. It'll just be in my heart. And now it will be out there for all of y'all to scrutinize and dissect. I'll give you one heads up: I'm a bit of a prick to my women. Of coure I don't mean to say that I OWN them. "MY women", sheesh, who do I think I am?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Here's to you, Mr. Robinson.

Today was the first day of LEAP testing for Monroe City Schools and my first experience with it ever, discounting whatever the hell I did when I was in 7th Grade. Since I have no proper teaching credentials I got to be a hall monitor, which basically means I sat in the hallway and read Patrick McCabe's The Butcher Boy for about five hours without a cigarette. Occasionally I got to watch a tracher's class while they went to the can or whatever but pretty much all I did was read. Which was kind of nice. Except for one moment...

The school's custodian came onto wing 4 and started to shoot the shit with me. Just regular stuff about what a nightmare this week was going to be, yadda, yadda. Then the conversation turned to marriage and children. I said I didn't have any children and had no intention of getting married anytime in the near future.

"I understand that."

I mean, we spend more time with these kids than their parents do in most cases and I can't imagine having one of these guys myself.

"Yeah, I drive the bus in the afternoon and there's one little guy that just acts the fool everyday. He's the same little guy that drew that painting on your shirt there (we all had to wear these Lee Eagles Always Pass ["LEAP", get it?] t-shirts to school today to motivate the kids. The painting on the front shows three bald eagles sitting in desks taking the LEAP and thinking about their diplomas) You know what I didn't know that thing the eagles was thinking of was supposed to be a diploma. I thought it was a cigarette and what kind of cigarette you going to pass? But this kid that drew that he is just a handful. Just talking and playing and acting out on that bus. Everyday. And his parents won't let you do anything to him. I've turned that kid off the bus five times but it never does any good."

Yeah, you got that right. I mean what do they expect us to do with these kids when they won't do what we say? Talk it out with them? You can't reason with a 7th grader.

"Uh-huh."

I'm not saying that I'll never have kids of my own but it just seems like a full time job and I wouldn't want to do it halfway the way I do some of the other things in my life.

"Yeah, you know my wife died this past year?"

No, sir, I didn't know that.

" We was married 23 years but was together longer than that. We thought about splitting up, too. I even left for a couple of nights once but came back. I thought about all of it and said I need to get back and be with my wife. A marriage is hard work. And we was married whe we was 20."

My parents got married when they were 18.

"Uh-huh, December 9. I will never forget that day. We was going to Houston to see her family. She has family in Houston. And we was fussing at each other about when we was going to go. I told her to take the day off work and we could drive over during the day, 'cause I've gotten to the point where I don't like to drive at night anymore. And I was fixing to just go on ahead without her but then decided I'd wait until she was off work, you know. And she was ready and packed and all so we drive over and met with her brother. And everything is fine that night and the next day. We went all over Houston doing our Christmas shopping; going to that mall that they got there. And I'm talking with my brother-in-law and having a fine time. That night we getting ready to eat supper and she's going to get her plate and sit at the kitchen table and I'm sitting at a coffee table in the living room and I tell her to come on in here and sit with me. And she comes to the table and sets down her place and it's like something pushed her over. Bam! Just like that she's out on the floor."

He took off his sunglasses and began to wipe his eyes and kinda takes deeper breathes and quicker too.

"Well, I did the CPR on her and got her breathing until the paramedics arrived and we get to the hospital and they kept her alive long enough to take a chest x-ray. They knew there wasn't nothing they could do for her because her heart had gotten so big. And the medicine they was giving her wasn't going to work. She had this enlarged heart muscle. And she died that night. But she never complained about her heart all the trip. We all knew she had trouble but we didn't know it was that bad."

I'm awfully sorry that happened.

"And I got a 14 year old at this school that I got to look after now. Do all the things that his momma did for him. Make sure he's eating and has clothes to wear and all that. If I can just get him out of here this year I know he'll be okay. He's got to do well on this test, you know?"

Yeah, well, I'm sure it'll be fine. I know this won't be any comfort but at least she died sudden like that. It could have been something like cancer that takes forever to do it. I mean, no one wants to go but there are better ways of going than others.

"And I'm worried about myself now. I go to the dentist and the doctor and all. Got me these new glasses. But I got to go see the doctor about that prostate and I don't want to do that."

Yeah, but you got to do that. It's really important to try to catch that early if you can. They can fix that.

"Oh, yeah, but it is mighty uncomfortable. You know?"

Yeah, I know.

We both laughed about this for a while.

"You start doing that when you hit 40?"

I'm 26.

Much more laughter.

Fade out.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Yes, I am still a bunny

I feel like my head is going to explode. No, no, I'm not hungover. I just feel very put upon at the moment. Knowing the right thing to do is sometimes very difficult. In fact, I would say it is often difficult. But you make your decisions and you stick by them. I've got my back against a wall. I feel like I put myself there and then I feel like I was forced there. I reckon it's both.

But change is inherent, I suppose. Change is a booger. Change is scarier than hell but you can't avoid it. I've never been one to strike back when I felt someone struck me. Always was a turn the other cheek sort of guy. But after a while you feel taken adavantage of and confrontation has to occur. Now, whether I am in the right or the wrong in this particular situation, I can't really say. If you start judging those things for yourself you're headed for a mess of trouble. But you have to make stands too, especially when you are defending your own. This must seem pretty obscure to most of you and that's deliberate on my part. I guess a couple of y'all know what it is I'm saying here but not many. I hope.

Put up those dukes, son! Fight all those bastards off if they're coming at you. And when you lose, well, you fought, didn't you? I'm sick and tired of feeling I can't say something because other folks know better or I need to be political in my decision making. Just plain sick. I mean, you don't have to like everything I say, but I'm going to go right on and say it anyway. You don't like it, don't listen. In fact I'd guesstimate that most folks don't listen to what I have to say anyway. Just take it as stupid, old, drunk Billy, shooting his mouth off at something he doesn't know anything about. Well, fine. I ain't listening to you either.

I've spent more than half my life feeling sorry for things I realize now I had no cause to feel sorry for. I'm not to blame. You are. Deal with that. Swallow that. Feel that and make that part of yourself. I've been doing it for years; it's your turn. Doesn't feel so hot, does it? I didn't like it all those years, either.

So, am I suppose to be the bigger man and say "I'm sorry."? I've done that enough, thank you. It doesn't do any good anyway, just seems to make folks think your weak. And I'm tired of being seen as weak. Because, you know what? I am not weak. I'm strong. Stronger than you. You think it's been a free ride for me? You think I've had all the breaks and pissed them away? Man, get with it. You don't know me. Maybe you never did. Maybe you never wanted to. But I always wanted to know you, get closer, share something that went beyond the body and got closer to what we were here on this planet to do. And you chucked me in the potato wagon when you got what you wanted. Well, I'm not one to be fooled with no more. Watch it.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Spring time for Billy

Spring is up, man. I love this time of year! My juices is flowing again, fellows. Writing more often in my notebook, sketching, talking to girls and sitting in the sun. Years ago I used to hate spring. I felt unattractive and useless in the sun. I missed winter and the coats and sweaters I would use to hide my body from the world. My pores would discharge as much sweat and oil as possible leading to some of the worst acne you ever done saw. Well, I still get the occasional pimple but I don't let that stop me, nosirree. Hot weather and wet leather, yeah I can dig it. No more crouching around the heater, drinking vodka and chain smoking. Now its whiskey in the shade and chainsmoking. Wish you were here, darling, really I do. How far away can one person be? How long a distance left to run until you are back in my arms. Cowboy boots made of elephant hide, long dead and inherited from his grandfather rest on the floor as he stares at the ceilingfan, lost to the world and alive in his thoughts of a girl. Her smile dissolves as the phone rings and it cannot be her. She couldn't be calling him. And she isn't. It's time to practice and duty is duty. Dragging as much as possible through the sheets he moves to the stereo and plays a song as he gets dressed. Maybe he plays a love song. Maybe not. He dresses slowly and smokes a cigarette, trying to make it all last as long as he can. The song ends and he is out the door and down the steps. The car moves easier under his hands in the warmth of the evening. The headlights arc through the descending night and he smiles to himself thinking of the girl again. This is as happy as he ever gets. And he is happy, though not to jump a handspring or dance a jig. There is something complete about the thoughts tonight as he makes the two blocks to the practice room. A place has been found for the pieces that winter has scattered through his mind and the sense of a whole taking shape is comforting and empowering. The engine in the car is power, the sun that dips behind the clouds is power and the cock that has become snug against his inner thigh is power. His hand sneaks down to explore the burgeoning hardon in his pants. The smile diminshes so as not to call attention to this most personal of investigations. A grinning man spanking his monkey in his car would terify a pedestrian. The drive ends too soon.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Make mine with Critters!

I used my copy of Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian to teach the kids about quotation marks today. If you've ever read Mr. McCarthy then you know what I mean.

I'm more pleased tha usual with the outcome of the Oscars last night. Sure, Grizzly Man got snubbed and Terrence Howard was excellent but what can you do? At least they spread the awards around this year instead of letting one film walk away with everything. Those are the best years and usually only happen once a decade.

EXCELLENT weekend. No shows but good times and great oldies were had by young Master Vidrine, thank you very much. Missed the Stadanko Brothers last show which makes me a bit sad, but then again one of them recently councilled me to break up The Vidrines as quickly as possible and begin another band. Um, no thanks, but glad you showed the interest in what we do.

Didn't watch the Oscars last night. Instead I sat down with a copy of Critters from 1985. This was the first PG-13 movie I ever saw and is still one of my guilty pleasures. Little rolling alien furballs with big appetites and bad attitudes. Ah, the 1980's! A time when aliens were lethal and jokes were purient. Well, actually that's still the case today but I was younger then so it seemed fresher. The Critters (or CRITES as they are known on their home world) escape from an intergalactic prison and head to Earth where they attack a farm house and attempt to eat the family inside. Alien bounty hunters with melty faces come after them and destroy even more stuff than the creatures they are supposed to be stopping. Of course these alien bounty hunter guys really don't give a toss about Earth or humanity. Tehy're just doing their jobs, which makes the dry humor in their scens extra sweet. The Critters speak in this kinda hyper-roadrunner talk that is subtitles occasionally for "witty" comments on the action. The guys who did the FX for this baby were the Chiodo Bros. perhaps most famous for giving the world Killer Klown from Outer Space . another of my favorites from the 1980s cable box. Oh yeah, and Dee Wallace Stone is in this. You're a long way from ET, sweetheart!

I'ver run out of time. Maybe later this week I'll post a review of The Hills Have Eyes (the original) in preparation for the remake. I'm actually looking forward to this one. Alex Aja did a great job with Haute Tension.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

My Arrogance

I'm fuming a bit right now because someone called me arrogant recently. Well, actually they called The Vidrines arrogant but that means me by reflection. At first I thought, "Hell, no! I'm the least arrogant fella you could ever lay eyes upon! I'm riddled with self-doubt, terrified of the world around me and insecure in my role in the band." But then I got to thinking maybe there was truth to that. Maybe I am arrogant. Hang on a second. I'm going to go look the word up in the dictionary...

Overbearing pride or self-importance. Yep, that's me. In fact that's anyone who ever picked up a pen to tell a story. If I am not important to myself then who else will make me so? My mother? You? If I did not write then what would I do, stand around with a hand full of holes, a thumb up my ass and a big grin to pass the time of day with? Abe Licoln was arrogant, Gandhi was arrogant, the fucking Buddha and Jesus Christ were arrogant. And so am I. Want to make something of it?

Arrogance is the trait that moves mankind forward. If we were meek and mild as a honey child you think we'd risk it all for glory? And that's what I want: glory and fame and all that go with it. And I'm sure there's more that goes with it than I know.

Do you come with it? Can I get you if I stay in my place and keep my feet on the ground? Hell, no! I'll win you and your heart with my spectacle, my sincerity of pride, my heart on my sleeve. And when I win you you will laugh and dance with me outside my apartment in the moonlight under a pink sky dotted with birds returning from their winter hideaways. And they have returned as surely as love has returned to my lousy little corner of this lousy little world. But the world doesn't seem so little or so lousy with you and me holding each other in the moonlight with the sky above us and the world within us. God! I haven't felt like this since the last time my heart broke and you know it was worth it then too. It's always worth it to risk, to dare, to fail and fall. Such spectalular trajectories are seen in the air when we fall. Will you fall with me? Of course you will! Because I love you and that is enough and important and true. And truth has been in short supply not only in this country but in this world and I am Prometheus come down from the mountain with that fire which will burn you and set the gods upon me with chains and birds and my liver is already spotty but maybe it will grow back. And maybe it won't but what does that matter. My self is important and that is enough. If it wasn't would I turn to God or prayer or you? Does the question matter if my self is important to me?